Tits.
Desired, despised, too small, too big, envied, painful, sexual, natural, fake, amazing, disrespected, revered, glorified and mourned….
Boobs: Nature’s Most Confusing Party Trick
What the fuck is up with these yellow, fatty piles of flesh on our chest?
From Cherry on Top to… Wherever the Hell It Lands
Like snowflakes, farts, and fingerprints, each set are unique, and within each set, they are unique to each other. Sometimes wrapped in a silky skin facade with a cherry on top….and at other times, a not so silky facade, with a cherry… well, let’s say……
On the bottom-ish? For many of us, in the span of our lifetime, both.
Puberty: The Turkey Timer Pops and Suddenly You’re ‘A Woman’
I remember when my flat nipples suddenly popped out like a couple of goddamn turkey timers. I was 10? 11? No idea.
What I DO remember is that not only was it a really weird occurrence, but an extremely painful one!
Somehow, creepily enough..the boys in my grade knew this fact. I realize now, this wasn’t just MY first fascination with mammaries. It seemed the boys wanted to know what all the hubbub was about too.
Training Bra Warfare: Strap Snaps & Silent Rage
After many a training-bra-strap-*SNAP*, I learned to shield my tender buds with a fierce veracity… It fucked me up a little.
“I didn’t ask for this.
I was happy as a scrappy little tomboy. My hair was short and my legs were long…knobby too. No, I wasn’t about to accept this psychical disadvantage…I wasn’t ready.
In no way would I let these inferior boys know that I gave a shit about all the attention I got from such a shitty disfigurement. That’s exactly how I saw them then. One big fucking hindrance…..Well more like two tiny ones…
“Hello.. confused here!” What was going on???? I wasn’t ashamed that mother had boobies! Somehow though, I was being made to feel ashamed of MINE….?
When Bug Bites Become Boobs
It took some very rough years of puberty for me to start realizing just what the hell I had here…The more I grew to understand that there was not much about men to understand, the more I became aware of the power that lie beneath thine shirt.
Realizing the Power Hiding Under That Tight Grey Sweater
What started out as annoying bug bites blossomed in to some Princess of Power type shit. Except I didn’t need a sword or a rainbow pegasus steed.
Boobs: Nature’s Hypnosis Device
The funny thing is, is that there iS almost a hypnotic appeal to boobs. Perhaps it’s the pendulous quality, the sway back and forth like a magician’s stopwatch…
“You are getting sleeepy…. very sleeeeeepyyyy….”
I’m almost certain I’ve had men act like chickens without them remembering it…
When Oedipal Theories Go Way Too Far
Maybe it’s an oedipal thing. It brings men back unconsciously to their babydom, of being nestled in their mother’s bosom…? EW.. great, now I’m thinking of my husband as a baby with my Mother-In-Law all fucking exposed like twisted Rococo painting…*GAK*!!
Well whatever it is about titties, I’m rollin’ with it.
Cleavage Perks: Faster Coffee, Faster Tables, Fewer Fucks Given
Hey, if a dude wants to give me a free Starbucks because he’s entranced by some cleavage? Fuck it!
“Thank boob very much.”
If the suave Manager Dickhead at the restaurant can be reduced to a bumbling butthead because of some breastesessss cutting my wait time for a table in half…… BOOBYA for me!
Use the Boob Magic While It Lasts
Listen, I’m aware that this world is a sexist, whirling ball of shit that clings stiffly like a dingleberry to it’s misogynistic ideologies (PENIS) but I’m also aware that these knockers of mine will one day lose their magical powers…
Flaunt It, Use It, Lose It—Because Gravity’s a Bitch
So I say this, if you got it, flaunt it, use it or lose it, and use what you got to get what you want because when the hell else can you say all those fool ass adages? And besides, now that they’ve been used for what they’re actually for which is BABIES I pay full price for Starbucks.
I’m kidding – fuck that overpriced coffee.
Dear Margaret,
I may not be God, but after this, I’ll be banned too – Still, I’m here for you, gurl. You’ll be ‘aight. Pinky swear.
Love,
PaRANThood
Sigh.. I wish I had these boobs you speak of
U r so right! And it is painful but satisfying in the long run. lol I give the girls air as much as possible, the men stare at them instead of my big ass. ( It’s not as good looking as my girls) Love ya
OH I loved this one……..the turkey indicator cracked me up.
hahahahahahahhahahahhahahahah!!! i fucking loved this!!!
My daughter had a tank top on one day and I noticed she was starting to stick out a bit. Oh I am so not ready for her to develop yet. I think I would rather deal with that though instead of PMS. She has an attitude now…can’t imagine what she will be like when she is raggin…oh help me!!
OMG…you put into words what I felt when I was just 11 and that happened to me..oh so long ago. Tomboy with titties..little did I know I could do so much later on with these things..lol