Remember that movie “Titanic”?
Well, even if you were doing something more important with your life in 1997, like mourning the death of Biggie, or perfecting the art of collar poppin’, and you missed the boat on that one,
I’m sure, at the very least, you’re familiar with that famous scene.
THE SCENE That Launched a Million Arm Flails
You know… THE SCENE…..
Let me remind you: It’s the part when that “Home Alone” kid is hella excited at first to be on the dumb boat. He runs up to the front and starts squealing so high that dolphins jump in to goddamn tuna cans just to escape it.
He then steps on to the very front part of the boat and spreads his arms out super wide (like how you wish your kid did when you asked them how much they love you but they never fucking do)
and then… he does it…
Contagious Confidence, Farrah Hair & Kool Aid Grins
With a grin that would make the Kool Aid Pitcher Dude kick rocks, and feathered hair so flaxen gold, it put Farrah Fawcett to shame, he shouts the now iconic phrase:
“I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!
Now, I don’t know if that “Saved By The Bell” kid won an Oscar for his part in that movie, and I don’t really give a shit, all I DO know is that THAT MOMENT for me, was contagious.
There was this EXPLOSION of self-confidence, and joy flowing so abundantly from the splayed fingertips of that “Full House” kid that I found myself FLINGING MY ARMS OUT TOO!**
**This led me to accidentally smash the girl’s face seated next to me, which unfortunately resulted in a buttered popcorn brawl, and my ass getting kicked out of the theater altogether so I never did find out what happened to that stupid boat…
…who cares, MY POINT IS, I didn’t NEED to see anymore of that film because for the five bones I spent on the movie ticket at that time, I walked around with three whole days worth of dolphin-ear-errupting confidence, periodically shouting:
“I’M THE BITCH OF THE WORLD!!!” and smashing random folks’ faces with flung out arms! I mean, you can’t buy THAT kind of happiness even for a billion dollars!
I’ll tell you something, if that “Silver Spoons” kid were here right now, I’d probably buy him dinner for gifting me with such a spectacular moment….and then ask to ride that really cool fucking train he’s got in his house…
little rich snot nosed shit. On second thought, fuck that dinner.
The Titanic High
Anyway, since that movie, or the first part at least, after the initial joy surge wore off, I feared that I might never find that moment again…
That arm flinging exaltation of rapturous abandon portrayed so beautifully by that kid from “Dawson’s Creek”…
Never fear though!As a mom I can report, that although being covered in baby shit is NOT one of them, other aspects of raising kids actually are…TITANIC! Below is PaRANThood’s (partial) List of :
Stuff Kids Do That Make Us ALL TITANIC.
1. Being born.
What else makes you feel like a Super Hero more then exuding a whole other human body out of your own?!?
“You can keep your useless clear jet Wonder Woman, I have people to create!!!”
“Guess what Dr. Frankenstein, you didn’t actually make anyone, dipshit. You just sewed together a bunch of body parts from some pre-existing dead people and even THEN, you couldn’t ‘make‘ a person nearly as cute as my creation!!”
So yeah, first on the list….. The realization that that just fucking happened.
TITANIC.
2. First Real “I LOVE YOU!!” Hug.
Let’s face it. Babies for the most part, are ungrateful little turds. It’s like, where is the give and take here??
I know “It’s just a a baby blah blah blah” but still.
Sleepless nights, backbreaking days, more body fluids spilled than a public bathroom. It seems at times, these moments, when you’re soaked in sweat and tit milk, feel ENDLESS….Sometimes even…useless.
“Why why WHY am I doing this?!?!” you shudder… “WHAT FOR?!?!” you cry…
Well, remember that moment when your toddler, (face full of snot, bumping into shit) scales the couch, plops down next to you, wraps their mini-arms 1/4 way around your still-baby-weighted-body, and in an emphatic Mickey Mouse style voice proclaim:
“I WUV YOU MOMMY!”
THAT, IS EXACTLY WHY WE DO THIS.
I’m sure you’re remembering this moment right now…
and smiling… because you know you were all…
TITANIC.
3. Surprise You With A Kick Ass Parent/Teacher Meeting.
This is about as far as I will go on the list because I don’t wanna spoil shit for you.What I can divulge is that as you continue trudging through this journey of shit stains, pissed beds, and BFFs you WILL be Titanic’d again…and again.
This last one is payback for all the toddler teaching torture we endure. For example, remember all those Pleases and Thank Yous and May Is and Alphabet Songs and Counting Fingerss and You Have To SHARE!s and Clean-Up Songss and Wait For Your Turns, ETC. you repeated a million fucking times?And how even so, your toddler barely heeds you as they Tasmanian Devil right past your ass destroying room after room?!
You feel like you have become The Master of Manners — they, are your opponent in the ring.
You are The Ref of the Playground — while they are in UFC mode. You wonder if there really IS such a thing as natural born killers or if you’re just fucking everything up and don’t know it yet…They grow a bit, they start school, things change. They begin to challenge you differently. Not less, just differently…
Fast forward — You walk in to your first parent/teacher meeting with a hockey mask on ready to deflect the critiques of your kids behavior shot like pucks to the face…
and then…
“Oh, he’s SO GREAT with the other kids!” – “She’s really gotten in to the spirit of helping!” – “Your child is a wonderful addition to the class!” – “Whatever you’re doing at home, keep it up!”
You can hardly BELIEVE it. Something you’ve done has actually stuck??
First three thoughts?
1. You know who I am right??
2. Where’s the fucking camera??
3. TITANIC.
Annnnnnd there you have it folks!
So, Roll Those Shoulders & Be Ready…
So, do some shoulder rolls, because even though they don’t happen THAT often, when they do, you wanna be prepared to NOT tear a rotator cuff as you fling out your arms while shouting:
I’M THE BITCH OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!
I really like this one. There will be more Titanic moments to come. Rest assured.
Thank you for that, it was awesome. There will definitely be more of those TITANIC moments. My daughter has given me my first grandchild and I never thought the moments could be better but the first time he said “MeeMaw, I wav you” almost made me have a heart attack. Awesome blog, thanks again for taking me back to those days for a visit, they were the best and worst of my life and I wouldn’t change a minute of any of them.
Are serial killers are just born that way, or if you are somehow fucking something up? I still ask myself this everyday, and my baby is 14! Kept me interest through out, just to see if you would call Leo the kid from ‘What’s eating gilbert grape’ and smiled all the way.